Why women lose their libido — and what actually brings desire back

What does a sex therapist actually do?

MJ: Hello everyone and welcome back to S3x, Love & Energy. Today I have another amazing guest — Eleni, joining me from New York. Thank you so much for being here.

Eleni: Thank you for having me. I live in New York, but I am originally from Greece, so it is even more international than you thought.

MJ: Before we start — what makes you feel passionate? What keeps you alive?

Eleni: That is a big question. My work is one of them — it is a constant source of energy and focus. My children are another. They keep me on my toes, and I have to keep changing and evolving because they change. I love travelling. And friendship is very important to me. I recharge when I meet with my girlfriends.

MJ: Tell the audience exactly what you do.

Eleni: I am Eleni Economides, a sexual wellness and intimacy coach for women with low libido. I am also an AASECT certified sex therapist and a licensed marriage and family therapist in New York.

I have two practices. In my therapy practice I have seen couples and individuals for relationship and sex counselling for the past eleven years. As a sexuality and intimacy coach for women, I have been developing my programme for the past three years — honing the tools to help women remove the obstacles to their sexual desire and create a sex life they actually enjoy.

Why low libido starts long before motherhood

MJ: When we spoke a few days ago, we talked about how women put aside pleasure and desire when they become mothers.

Eleni: Women do not just postpone their pleasure and desire when they become mothers. It starts way before that.

Our upbringing is such that we are encouraged to suppress our sexuality, and to not see sex as something that is for our own satisfaction. When we enter motherhood there are many more reasons not to see ourselves as a sexual person — because now the focus is motherhood. Things shift even further. But for a lot of women, this is an issue that begins long before.

Why motherhood is validated and sexuality is not

MJ: Socially, becoming a mother is very validated. It is expected. But being a sexual woman is not expected.

Eleni: You are talking about societal expectations of a woman — you are raised to become a good caretaker, and motherhood is one of the things we are expected to do and to want to do. If a woman is not interested in becoming a mother, that is frowned upon. There is a lot of judgment toward women who do not want to be mothers.

And when they do become mothers, it is almost as though life is now complete — the goal you were made to fulfil has been achieved. Then the focus goes entirely to taking care of children.

Being in touch with our sexual self is rarely seen as an act of self-care. And it is. But women do not learn that nurturing their sexual desire and their sexual satisfaction is an act of self-care.

The shame that starts in childhood

MJ: This is a painful point for me, because I see it in everyone around me and in the way I grew up. When boys touch themselves, it is boys being boys. If women do it, it is how could you touch yourself? That idea creates something that becomes a much bigger problem later.

Eleni: You said it very well. Boys are allowed to be sexual. They are seen as sexual. If they are interested in girls, or in sex, or in touching themselves, they are just being boys. The same is not true for women. There is usually a great deal of shame attached to masturbation.

I am generalising, and it is not that way for everyone, thankfully. But among the women I work with — the ones who end up struggling with low libido — the history shows they have learned that sex is something you do to please your partner. This is what a man wants from you in order to love you, validate you, show you affection. So you have it for him. You do it for him.

And then women are disconnected from their own pleasure. They rarely explore what they like, or speak up about it, because I am doing this for him — I do not want to take up any time or space or focus on me. There is a lot of guilt attached to that. If we focus on ourselves, there is anxiety.

Then we are expected to be not a sexual person before marriage, and a sexual goddess after it.

Is low libido a medical condition?

MJ: I have read a lot of articles that frame low libido as a medical condition. I think there may be clinical conditions, but I also think a large part of it is belief systems.

Eleni: We are discouraged, directly or indirectly — the idea that your character is somehow up for question if you are interested in exploring your own body. That you might be unethical, that you are doing something wrong, something dirty, a sin. Add the layer of religion and the topic becomes far more complicated for women.

Being raised in a patriarchal society instils beliefs about sex that are simply not helpful to desire.

Why we are taught that love is the only good reason

Eleni: We are raised to think the only good reason to have sex is love. If you love someone, or someone loves you, then that is the right time. If you have it purely for your own sexual pleasure, you might be judged. If you have it because you want to enjoy yourself, you might be called cheap or shallow.

When love is not the stated reason a woman is having sex, it carries enormous heaviness, shame and guilt — because society frowns on it.

MJ: In my country we say that if a man has many girlfriends he is an alpha, and if a woman has many partners she is something else entirely. That is societal expectation.

How to find the courage to ask for what you want

MJ: So many women do not know how to own this, but they know deep inside that they want more freedom. What would your advice be?

Eleni: The major concern is fear of judgment. How will I be judged — sometimes even by my own partner? If I ask for what I want, or share a fantasy, or name a kink I have never spoken about.

For a lot of people, and definitely for women, there is an extra layer of fear of judgment and fear of rejection. If I express this desire, I will be judged and I will be rejected. So we shield ourselves from the judgment by not speaking up.

Sometimes it genuinely is the partner. But often the partner is open and willing, and we still struggle to speak up — even to admit to ourselves what we like.

So there are two different situations. One is this is not safe, because I know my partner will shut it down and judge me. The other is my partner is a safe person, and I still feel fear and shame.

In the second case, the work is developing courage — through reading, or by talking to a therapist or a coach who can teach you how to have these conversations. And deciding that your pleasure is important enough to speak up about.

MJ: And if your partner does not support you in this, it may be worth reflecting on whether you share the same values. A balanced relationship is one where you can express yourself honestly.

The truth about female orgasm: only 10%

MJ: Some women can orgasm through penetration alone, but the studies say it is a very low percentage. What is your professional view?

Eleni: You are right. The percentage of women who can climax from penis-in-vagina penetration alone, without clitoral stimulation, is around 10 percent.

Some women are built that way, for reasons we do not have time to get into. But there is a widespread misconception here, and it comes from a lack of accurate and sufficient sex education — for both men and women.

At school they do not talk about pleasure. It is mostly about preventing STIs and preventing pregnancy. So children and adults never learn about sex in a way that helps them enjoy it more.

For the majority of women, clitoral stimulation is necessary. Whether with a finger or a vibrator. It is not a competition — do not compete with your partner's vibrator. She needs it in order to climax, much as her male partner does.

Why foreplay works differently for women

Eleni: Men have far more arousal and desire readily available in their bodies. They have higher testosterone. Their body is made in a way where they wake up with an erection — they do not have to work for arousal to develop.

For women, sexual desire shows up after arousal happens. One way to achieve arousal is foreplay — cuddling, kissing, making out, touching, oral sex. Foreplay looks different for different people, but it is a very important part of a woman's desire appearing at all. She has to become aroused before she feels now I want to have sex.

And sometimes foreplay is mental or emotional stimulation. We are not only talking about how you touch her body. You also have to be touching her mind.

For a lot of women, washing the dishes or vacuuming or taking care of the children is foreplay. That is what turns her on, because she feels loved and cared for, and she finds it attractive. When you do that, it counts.

Respect the clitoris

MJ: Clitoral stimulation is necessary. And it is not a DJ mix — please respect the clitoris. It has 8,000 nerve endings. Take it easy.

Usually you only see the tip, and perhaps a little more when aroused. But this is the internal part — it is covered by the inner labia. It is inside. It is part of the vulva.

Eleni: There is a great deal you can do to arouse a woman. A great deal.

MJ: Eleni, it was a pleasure to have this conversation and I am sad it was so short. We will have you back to talk more about female pleasure and sex education. Thank you so much.

Eleni: Thank you for having me. Having conversations like this is so important.